Trust in Relationships

Recently while talking to a group of friends, we focused on what makes someone feel trust in a significant other. The answered varied so much I thought I would share for you to consider. For some people it is a gut feeling, you are known and truly know your partner and can sense when something changes. One of the people mentioned that this can backfire when the partner is keeping a good secret like surprise party or a trip they want to gift to their partner, but it was worth it anyway because it validated their "knowing". Someone else said it was if some once normal device sharing changed. The example was an ex who suddenly changed their password to their phone and IPad and would not give the password when my friend suggested they would pull up a movie to mirror on the IPad. Another person suggested trust was something you give until there is reason not to, and therefore did not need to know where their partner was at any given time, did not call around looking for them and believed them when they shared where they were. This person's partner was pretty open usually and gave fair warning they would be out and with whom they were going. Finally, one person admitted that having a parent who had several affairs, they could not find a way to trust easily and felt it was earned not given. That friend is working on this in therapy as well. As one person felt like they had been gaslighted in a relationship, the trust was actually about themselves and what they felt, not what the other person was saying. For sure, the journey is expecting consistency in a partner and getting worried when it disappears. It also means lowering worry to a simmer while trying to understand what is really changed that makes you lose some of the trust you once felt. The other important thing that everyone agreed on is giving the benefit of the doubt is the best way to operate in relationships and that the key to everything is communication. The person who has done a lot, I mean a lot of research on couples is John Gottman and here is an article I like about trust in relationships: https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/. Let me know what you think!